Kissing it goodbye

I wanted to share part of the New Year’s post I never published.  I held back aware that my goals could change in an instant with an MRI looming…  I had been battling the idea of having to farewell goals and dreams, weighing up each worth to me and prioritising.

“We start a new resolution, charge our glasses to fitness & health, wealth & success, love… and pray that this is our year – sounds familiar?  How did you fair on last year’s goals or were they forgotten about the first week?  Did exercise plans go out with the first washing load of sweaty gear?  Did you finally gather the courage to try that something new?

I have been reflected my goals for the year and dreaming about 2015.  In some areas I have excelled and in others I have fallen short – on a scale of just short to scraping the line of failure.  I am not afraid to admit defeat to the things I can’t turn around in the last half of December!  I would rather spend the last few days working out how not to repeat those mistakes again and how to build upon my strengths more.

I have learnt above all in the wise words of Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh (aka A. A. Milne) that I am stronger than I thought…”

I am stronger than I think and I have no doubt you are stronger than you think.  No matter what you face you have to boldly choose to take hold of strength, bravery and your smarts; they are keys to get you through.  We are resilient!  We bounce back!

A goal is simply a wish written down to motivate achievement.  Goals come and goals go, many we whisper and some we shout out loud.  If we considered all the goals we have ever set I am sure we would be horrified at our personal success rate at seeing them achieved!  They are motivators to keep us working towards the future we want to walk in.  They reflect us; ever changing and ever growing.

For me I find myself at the beginning of 2015 still exercising flexibility with my goals.  For example I would love to be fit, jump and run again – but with my children not a marathon to prove my personal endurance when that would compromise the longevity of my ankle joint.  The goal just shrunk after prioritising what is important.  It is the “honey I shrunk the goal” concept!  My perspective shifted to using any strength and ability for what matters most; walking alongside my children and standing beside my husband.  Are there any goals you need to shrink or kiss goodbye?

As for the dreams I have plenty.  Next time let us chat about those, today I wanted to say it is OK to shrink a goal or kiss goodbye to a dream.  We will be OK.  We are strong, brave and smart.  Sometimes it is wisdom.

One of life’s curveballs

The day the curveball struck was Wednesday 28th January 2015.  Only it felt more like being thrown a bowling ball by a huge, muscle dripping beef cake of a man. In reality it was a doctor delivering an MRI report.

As the hours went by after the doctors appointment I ended the phrase “when life throws you a curveball…” differently until my heart settled on this one: “When life throws you a curveball let God swing the bat.”

The day it all changed and the ball was thrown was 5 years ago – I just did not know it.  I fell down the stairs carrying my 6 month old daughter.  Quick instinct forced her off my hip and placed her over my heart as my body curled around to protect her.  My ankle slammed into the wall to break our fall.  Any parent would do the same, no second thought.

Since the ups and downs in the life of my left ankle have been many.  My goal for 2015 was to run again.  After the fall I have not been able to break 12km, the distance diminishing with time to now a matter of metres.  Ever an optimist I have pushed on.  I have rested, heat packed and sought professional opinions. Pain had become a constant background 24/7.  Alarm bells have been going in my head.  I sought an MRI and answers.  My goal to run a marathon did not seem to be achievable.

On Curveball Day in the worst case diagnosis were the words, “running again is a minute possibility”.  I should feel like my dreams are shattered and defeated, surprisingly I am not.  I had momentary devastation and did a very ugly cry.  Then built a bridge and got over it.  I will not allow bad news to be the killer of my dreams, rather an ignitor for new ones. I am the girl that pre-discussed with the doctor possible problem areas best to worst case (that is just how I roll).

I was full of optimism and expecting best case: a bone chip and 1 torn ligament.  I desperately wanted it to be just a simple surgery and then running around with my children and poodle, once again logging the km’s towards my goal.  The doctor sat and took a few moments before turning to face me and I knew the outcome before I heard, “I am very sorry it is bad news today, unfortunately it is worst case”.

To look at me my ankle is perfect, no cankle thank God!  Internally it is a mess.  There is irreversible damage to the cartilage lining the talar (ankle) joint, a hole worn almost 1cm cubed in the cartilage and bone, filled with fluid and cysts.  The shooting pain and the debilitating locking of my ankle in the wrong position is the cysts and bone grating. The MRI was taken after a month of rest with very little activity – simply walking and standing.  My pain threshold is too high, the bruising to the talus so significant that I can put no pressure on the ankle at present.

The immediate plan is no weight bearing on my left foot; I walked out of the doctors office on two feet and brought a pair of crutches.  I have moments of utter weakness and the tears flow.  Crutches all day every day for the foreseeable future is not a pleasant prospect.  The list of things I can not do is piling up and the list of things I can still do is shrinking.  I am determined to not be bound by this.  I choose to laugh at the crazy bum shuffle up and down the stairs.  I choose to smile at the ridiculousness of crawling around on my hands and knees because my arms and right foot just need a break.

As I type tonight the crawl to the bathroom ended up in tears, it’s easy to doubt my ability and strength.  As always my man was there to hold me tight and then help me.  We are a couple who never fight and this will test us, I am living on a cliff of frustration.  My children are telling me they love me more, stopping by my chair to give me hugs…  my baby asked why Mummy is covering her eyes?  To stop them seeing the tears, it is hard at times and I am not even a week into this journey!  I tell them Mummy will be able to jump and run with them again one day.

I am 33; I am too young to feel like an elderly person trapped in a young body. Yet this is my lot, the hand (or pardon the pun, the foot) I have been dealt for now.  I will fight for the ability to use my left foot unlimited again.  I will keep pursuing medical opinions until one offers hope of medical breakthroughs in ankle cartilage surgery and I will be a success story.

A foot does not define me, it is simply an accessory to carry my body.  I can still follow my desires to help those who most need it in my community.  Giving a hand up requires a hand not an ankle 😉

It may be a season of one footed hopping and resting but my time to walk and run is still to come.  I am ok to drop the goal to run for 2015 but I am still keeping it for the future.  I am determined to fight for my independence and my ability to be an active wife and Mummy.

Perspective

Ever contemplate the old saying, ‘is the glass half full or half empty’?  [Do you remember the old Cadbury’s ad “a glass and a half of full cream milk…”?  That is the voice I imagine that being said in!]

It has been awhile since I sat, wrote a post and then PUBLISHED it!  There have been many draft posts but I have chosen to withhold those stories, lessons and truths for another day.  My glass has been wavering between half full and half empty; as an optimist I dislike the wavering.

This internal wavering, mind game, battle, argument or [insert any other words you use to describe this state of mind] has led to numerous self-motivational pep talks.  You know those conversations? Let us admit we all talk to ourselves and it is completely ok!

While out walking in a local reserve my mind was having a pity party field day and it just took a pause to glimpse the wonder of nature to provide the ultimate solution.  I found myself wishing I had brought the camera to capture the sunlight hitting an incredibly woven spider’s web.  In that moment the light bulb turned on and I realised I need to shift my perspective, select what to focus on and opt what to zoom in or out on.

I had allowed my mind to be so focused on achieving my running goals post-surgery that after the 6 week recovery I was frustrated when it just wasn’t happening and instead I was going for a series of medical tests.  Instead I needed to shift my perspective, zoom out of running and zoom in on being healthy to tackle that goal when my body was ready.

There are times when we have to accept our (present) lot in life and embrace the opportunities presented.  Learning to cope with setbacks is crucial in not denying our weaknesses and limitations but rather using our strengths to not allow them to dominate.

I have been labelled ‘medically unique and rare’ after some interesting allergies.  If I were to focus on the list of what I cannot do, consume or wear I could feel pretty depressed.  I chose to shift my focus from the difference and zoom in the fact that I am blessed, they are manageable and simply aesthetic details to navigate.

Do we see the negative or positive?  Do we see a business failure or the experience that will shape a success next try?  Do we see the outcome of a poor decision or an opportunity to learn and perfect our decision making?  Do we see the disappointment of failing or the optimism that we can only improve our performance?  Do we see a character flaw or a character being moulded into the best version of ourselves?   Do we see a broken relationship or a clearer direction of how to rebuild and restore?  The examples are endless.

Martin Luther King Jr said, “Faith can give us the courage to face the uncertainties of the future”.  It is with courage we set goals and dream of a future.  Let us embrace today, shifting our perspective if necessary to ensure we are optimistically headed towards seeing our hearts desires actualised.

A forever love

 

It was love at first sight; March 2 2003.  Head over heels.

True love.  The type that overtakes; heart beats wildly, weak at the knees, butterflies in your stomach, words don’t come out right and you do crazy things!

Boy meets girl, likes girl but she plays hard to get [insert 3 months of flirting here] and politely turns him down.  Her heart skipped many beats but she came up with a lame excuse why she didn’t have time…   Then one day she woke and reality slapped her in the face.  She liked the chase but today she wanted more than anything to be caught by him.  Girls asks boy on a date.  Boy can’t believe his luck, says yes and prays to God she has come to her senses.  Girl tells boy that he makes her heart go boom, boom and she wants to be his.  Boys jaw is on the table, he picks it up and then grins like a Cheshire cat!

That was the day my life changed; June 24 2003.  The beginning of the rest of our life together.

This girl realised that sometimes boys can be backwards in coming forwards!  Day #8 together was one of those moments.

Boy asked if girl could picture herself old with him, sitting hand in hand, still in love.  She did; sitting on rocking chairs, slippers and all.  Boy asked if girl could imagine building a legacy for a family together.  She did; smiles on their faces at their team work.  Boy asked girl if she would like babies.  She did; she wanted nothing more.  Boy asked girl if she dreamed of marriage and a forever love.  She did; it was his face waiting at the end of the aisle.  Boy asked girl if she loved him.  She did; her eyes and words told him.  Boy asked girl to marry him.  She did; it was meant to be.

I choose to love him and be his alone; March 20 2004.  Our wedding day.

She promised to love him forever; no expiry date, no pre nuptials, no plan B, no escape plan… for better or worse.  It is a forever love.  The kind you risk everything for.  Until death do part.

Happy 10 years together my love.  I choose to love you every hour of every day.  I never tire of waking next to you or trying to fall asleep in your arms!  I could think of no better way to spend my days than growing old with you.

My goal is to live the forever love we had engraved on our rings; ‘destiny’ and ‘eternity’.  My future is you and me sitting on our rocking chairs, holding hands, grey haired, wrinkly but eyes still sparkling with love deepened with time.

Eyes on the prize

 

I ran this week!  It was slow paced and for a short distance but it was a run and I loved it!

We all remember our sports carnivals as kids with a fond mixed emotion – as kids we learnt quickly we fell into a category for our ability.  I am fiercely competitive, a team player and I looked forward to sports carnivals all year.  They were my moment to shine.

I put 100% into every event I participated in and 100% into cheering my team on.  I loved everything: high jump, long jump, triple jump, hurdles, sprints, relays and stilt races!  I was motivated by personal satisfaction, the reward of a ribbon and team points.  My favourite event was the relay; I ran #1 or #4.  I had the confidence to think I was a good runner!

As a teenager I started running with my Dad.  It was at this time that I discovered I loved running and the challenge to beat our previous record.  I began to find mental strategies to help make it easier to stretch my distance and pace.

I realised if I ran looking down only at the path in front of me, marking my footsteps, it was a long and arduous journey.  When I ran looking ahead with my eyes focused on a longer goal post I was quickly reaching that marker, setting the next and researching my overall goal; the finish line.  I found goal setting became crucial to a successful run.

I was so focused on getting ahead that I failed to actually stop and take in the environment.  I realised I had missed out, I tried shifting my focus a little, to take in my surroundings and found the run more enjoyable and inspiring.  As a result I became a better runner.

{PAUSE:  There is a lesson for all of us in there!  Sometimes we need to look around us and not charge ahead with singular focus.  Opportunities can by go unseen and we can miss experiencing the journeys enjoyment.}

We would run around Sefton Park in Liverpool, England.  In my memory this is still one of my favourite routes and a point of inspiration was running past the daffodil fields planted the Marie Curie Foundation.  I still visualise it and it has become a driver in my desire to run for charity.  To dedicate my runs for more than myself; this is my greatest running goal.

So without more talk my runners are sitting next to my bed waiting to slip on in the morning…  I have a finish line to catch and a goal to smash!